How did I get here?

“Single mom with four kids….” I guess I’m used to saying it now. It doesn’t sound strange – even to me.

I don’t like labels. Not even my own. What does it mean to be a “single mom with 4 kids and one with special needs”? Why do we describe ourselves in these ways?

Well, it’s funny because I don’t define myself that way anymore. I used to do it on purpose – for effect. Now, if someone wants to know anything beyond my name, they have to ask. It would be later in the conversation now that they would discover this information about me – if at all.

Why? What changed? I did. Those 9 little words that I would immediately use to describe myself served different purposes depending on the situation. Sometimes it would solicit sympathy, sometimes power, sometimes shock – but it was the time that it solicited the “so what” that caught my attention.

A little over a year ago when I asked a woman who’s book I had recently read, (“Conquer Fear”) how to overcome the “stigma” of being a --- that’s right say it with me, “single mom with 4 kids and one… ” her response stopped me. She said flatly, and with a hint of annoyance “WHAT stigma?”

Huh huh, ha…weeelllll… (the beginning to my brilliant response)… you know, the stigma of being a single mom!! No. I don’t know. There is no stigma” was her matter of fact response.
What? Oh. So if there’s no stigma, than what do I do with this very useful label?

Bingo. I’d have to get rid of it. That was Lisa’s point. It was a badge I was wearing that allowed me to describe myself in a way that either protected me, or allowed me to stay in a place that felt safe and risk-free. It was my excuse for not going for all the things I really desired in life. After all, I must not deserve them, have time for them, or be capable of them. Hm.

So how did I end up here then? When all I ever REALLY wanted from early on in life was a family, and a secure home with lots of love and a perfect happy little family – how did I end up divorced and raising these kids by myself through some very difficult circumstances?

I chose it.

I didn’t WANT it – but I inadvertently chose it anyway. Long, long ago. Whether I was conscious of it or not, I made choices based on beliefs that brought me right here. Sometimes the thing we strive for and WANT the most- eludes us.

You want to know why? I think I’ve found the answer. I think it’s because when that’s the bright shiny price – the trophy at the end of the race and that’s ALL we’re focused on, we stop paying attention to the way we are actually preparing to run the race!

Are we prepared? Are we all stretched out? Are we in good running condition? IS THIS THE RIGHT RACE?

I lost sight of HOW I was preparing to run the race. I put too much focus on the prize. From the beginning, around the corners and from mile to mile I had my head straight ahead waiting for the happiness, the security and the joy that I was running so hard to find. I never looked around! I didn’t notice anything else for the most part, and even when I did I safely readjusted my blinders so as to remain “on course” toward perceived satisfaction and perfection.

Here’s what’s interesting. After letting go of the “perfect” standard of what my family should look like (it’s hard NOT to when one of your children is standing naked in a second story window – or eating dog biscuits that look like cookies in the pet store line and all the other wonderful oddities that sometimes come with Autism) I find myself in this place full circle.

I didn’t do it right. I made mistakes. I could blame and point fingers. I could be a victim. But I’m not. I chose not to be.

Here I am. Full circle. I’m brave, I’m smart, and I’m strong as steel.

Is it easy? You know it’s not. It’s tiring – exhausting at times, but man is it worth it. I actually discovered in the process of becoming what that old label described (single mom…blah blah blah) who I am, and who’s I am.

I’m a child of God. My name is Stephanie. It means “Crown One.” I am a jewel to my heavenly Father, and oh yea – I’m PROUD to say that I happen to have 4 amazing children. One of my kids is coming through Autism! Don’t I have an amazing and blessed life??!

What’s your story, and who are you? REALLY.