"Good Mom"

I’m a good mom. I’m a really good mom. In fact, I’m a great mom (just go with me on this….I’m feeling like I REALLY need to repeat this to myself several times tonight – maybe if I say it often enough I will “will” it into existence). OK, I have a better idea. “Dear God – make me a patient, meek, graceful mother to my children.”

I yelled at my oldest son tonight. Actually, I would be accurate in saying – I SCREAMED at him. I yelled so loudly, I think I actually strained my vocal chords. I’ll be surprised if I wake up with any voice at all in the morning. I am NOT proud.

I absolutely hate yelling. I really do not yell very often at all. But when I do I sometimes surprise myself. I really have to be upset to get loud in a frustrated or angry way with my kids. As badly as I despise “yelling” – sometimes…truthfully - it’s effective.

It sort of reminds me of being a kid and watching rain roll in off in the distance, thinking the storm is miles away. You stay outside as long as you can, watch the skies begin to turn different shades of blue, dark blue, a deep purple…some of the clouds remain white and fluffy while others become jagged and ominous. Just as you’re feeling brave and “edgy” for remaining out of doors knowing you probably should be inside…just then – CRASH!! That loud, sharp, deafening bang of thunder that surges directly through you. You don’t even think – your body reacts the way God intended it to when in danger…it RUNS! So fast, you don’t even how you got through that screen door, but somehow that loud, powerful noise inspired something in you that changed the light hearted adventure into a very sobering survival moment.

I think that’s why yelling is effective. No matter who’s doing or for what reason. I didn’t say it’s always GOOD. But it does get one’s attention – quickly.

I’m a mom who loves to maintain a loving, comfortable, funny and safe environment in my home…so what gives? Why did I get so angry with an 11 year old? Could it be fear?

I think yelling is nothing more than an emotional explosion that is more likely than not – totally unplanned. Don’t most people apologize after yelling? Of course! I was really mad at my son. He pushed me, and he knew it. He was being defiant, and for that he needed discipline. But, what did it spark in me that inspired this emotional explosion? I mean, I was fighting to restrain myself from blurting out the old…”common – its go time! You wanna piece of me??!!” Hello? Yes, praying and blessing my children one moment, going gangsta’ on my 11 year old the next. This was NOT a move of the Holy Spirit.

I think it was fear. I think when we yell at our kids, it’s really because there’s a place deep inside of us that is afraid of the behavior we see, or what the behavior may become in the future. It’s not easy being the mom and the dad. It’s hard. I have to be careful with my sons especially because these cute boys, will soon be towering men – and little ole’ me (there’s a reason I have a shelf full of martial arts trophy’s – I’m no dummy, I at least wanna look tough). I pray for God’s grace daily. Where would I be without it? That being said, when I see certain behaviors in my kids that crop up here and there I’m first inclined to anger, rather than meek and gentle correction. I see down the road where disobedience can land a little person, when they’re not so little anymore. Because of my son Ben and his intensive autism therapy, I learned behavior modification from an expert when Ben was 2 ½. We learn to shape desirable behaviors and “extinguish” undesirable behaviors. But there’s something about when your child knows better and makes the choice – just to see what happens. That’s what we call “testing.” It’s not the actual behavior that makes me angry, it’s the fact that my son chose it.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and just tell you that despite what many child experts say – I’m going say a good “hollering” now and then when a child becomes defiant is a good thing. Remember that loud clap of thunder? I don’t know about you, but even now as big and brave and “adult” as I think I am, when the pitter patter of the rain on the windows is followed by a loud and soul penetrating bang of thunder – I shriek and duck. It’s just instinctive. It reminds me who’s boss. Not me. It reminds me how small I am, and how powerful and awesome God Almighty is. It reminds me that under His wing I remain safe and protected, but outside in the storm…I’m lost.

I think sending this message to my kids now and again isn’t all that bad. No, I don’t plan to schedule a good dose of yelling every third Thursday of the month and call it a “life lesson.” I’m just going to forgive myself, and notice that it’s out of love and protection for the well being of my kids that I sometimes allow my anger to show.

A few weeks ago my sister and two of my aunts went to a home schooling conference that I couldn’t attend. Before they left, my sister asked me if I wanted her to pick up a CD or something for me. After looking at the scheduling, I giggled and in a very sarcastic way said, “Yea, pick up that ‘teaching with a meek and quiet spirit’ session!!” What a brat. I even commented as to whether or not that would be right next to the “bake your own bread from scratch” session. I thought I was as funny as could be – very “hip” very “now” and WAY to “cool momish” to be interested in how to teach in a “meek” and “quiet” manner. Not my style. Guess what. Joke was on me. Those three came back, and I heard RAVE reviews about how to keep your cool while dealing with your kids. No more yelling! I was contrite and so over myself that I actually poured over my aunts notes and asked her to teach me everything she had learned. She did. I was a great student, and for 2 whole weeks…no yelling. It was very nice and very peaceful. I doled out consequences for broken rules and disobedient behavior. I lavished over nice behavior and cooperative play. It worked. It always does. Yet, here I am confessing to losing my cool.

Here’s the interesting thing. I’m not alone. I know you’ve done it too. If you’re human, and you have children…you’ve yelled. You probably regretted it most of the time. But sometimes, it may have been exactly what your kids needed to remind them that they are not in charge and that there is a place in you that will not tolerate or allow harmful or defiant behavior – and that you’re passionate about it!

I trust that my son understands that I love him more than life itself. I’ve told him so. I also know that what he’ll remember as he gets older is not “my mom sometimes yelled at me.” He’ll remember that his mother would not compromise when it came to character. He will grow to understand that being his buddy and friend would have been easy and cool – but dangerous. He will appreciate that what he needed was a strong, confident and loving parent, but one that wouldn’t waver when it came to breaking rules or disrespecting authority. Does it hurt at the time? Yea. I saw the fear of God in His eyes and he backed down ‘right quick’ when he saw my anger. I felt guilty of course right afterward. But here’s another confession – I’m glad I did it. I’m glad I yelled. I’m glad that when I went down the stairs to silently kiss him good night on the forehead in the dark, he whispered “love you mom. I’m sorry.” I’m glad that even though it scared him for the moment – he just possibly feels a bit safer, more secure and more protected because he knows he’s got safe boundaries and limits that I won’t let him cross.

No matter how many techniques in behavior modification I learn, no matter how many books I read or seminars I listen to on “good parenting” or “scream free homes” I can practically guarantee that I’ll yell again. I’m human, and after all – the parent to child ratio around here is 4:1. But the divine in me who made me in His likeness and image and who allowed me these 4 extraordinary individuals will continue to pour out grace on me and guide me.

Much like God is a loving parent prone to “righteous indignation” a loving parent does what he or she can within reason to protect and guide their child. My goal is to make certain that since “more is caught, than taught” my focus and attention needs to be on how my children see me treat OTHERS. I must be a woman of my word. A woman of integrity. They need to hear me confess my weaknesses and ask them for forgiveness if necessary. I must watch the conversations that my children hear me have with others, including and most importantly with God.